Beauty Is Becoming Extinct

When we think of animals that are near extinction, we usually think of those that are cute and cuddly. Here's a list of 25 that are nearly gone and could only be called beautiful in the broadest sense. Click here to see the pictures.

Quoted

So says Warren Buffet, 78 years old and worth over $60 billion : It's nice to have a lot of money, but you don't want to keep it around forever … Otherwise it's a little like saving up sex for your old age.

Newspaper Classifieds

GE - Working electric self-cleaning oven/stove, $150, needs good cleaning.

Spotted On A Menu

Seizure Salad : $4.95

Headline

Barbershop singers bring joy to school for deaf

Jay Leno Funny II

Hugh Hefner has asked Sarah Palin to pose for Playboy. Do you know she could be the first Playmate to lay on a bear skin rug she killed herself?

Jay Leno Funny

This financial crisis is a mess. I wrote a check for $5. The check was good but the bank bounced.

Overheard

It's like, you're not cool if you're not, you know, not cool.

Headline

Governor uses corn hole to fund campaign

Queen Victoria & Sarah Palin

Click image to enlarge

John McCain Wins The Election

Quoted

So says Sarah Palin : Like every American I'm speaking with, we're ill about this. We're saying, 'Hey, why bail out Fanny and Freddie and not me?' But ultimately what the bailout does is, help those that are concerned about the healthcare reform that is needed to help shore up our economy to help...uh...it's gotta be all about job creation, too. Also, too, shoring up our economy and putting Fannie and Freddy back on the right track and so healthcare reform and reducing taxes and reigning in spending...'cause Barack Obama, y'know...has got to accompany tax reductions and tax relief for Americans, also, having a dollar value meal at restaurants. That's gonna help. But one in five jobs being created today under the umbrella of job creation. That, you know...Also...

Science As Art

New Scientist has published 8 award winning photos that are spectacular. Check them out by clicking here.

Children Are Our Future

Quote Of The Day

Said Robert F Kennedy Jr : The only difference between Sarah Palin and Dick Cheney is ... lipstick.

Air Traffic

In just 60 seconds watch a video that represents 24 hours of air traffic around the world. Amazing. Click here.

Afraid You Don't Know Everything?

A web site can help you learn all kind of boring details about cities and counties around the country. Click here to get started.

Bill Maher

Now that gas costs the same four bucks at every gas station, you can drop the nine-tenths-of-a-cent bullshit.

Best Chocolate Chip Cookies

When I become omnipotent, one thing I won't have to worry about improving are chocolate chip cookies. It seems that humanity has pretty much perfected what is the number one cookie in America. A slide show here takes you on a grand tour of the best cookies.

However, it has been suggested that the best cookie recipe is right there on the side of the Toll House chip bag (semi-sweet chips). It was recommended that substituting half butter and half Crisco is the best way to go.

Regardless, I'm willing to conduct taste tests for as long as it takes to find the perfect cookie.

TV Shows Canceled Before Their Time

Entertainment Weekly has compiled a list of 31 TV shows that were canceled too soon. See if any of your favorites made the list by clicking here.

When I become omnipotent, the following shows will return:

Wonderfalls

Sports Night

Brimstone

Jake 2.0

Max Headroom (I'll see to it that it will never end)

Joan of Arcadia

The Book Of Daniel (strangely enough not on EW's list)

Go see if any of your favorites are on the list.

Much Ado

Much has been made of Sarah Palin's ignorance of the Bush Doctrine. But honestly, I rather feel sorry for her. Surely she would have known what the Bush Doctrine was if they called it by it's common name, Murphy's Law.

Newspaper Classified III

John Deere self propelled 22" lawn mower. "As new". It has 45 minutes of running time. Bought for wife. Bad idea.

Newspaper Classified II

EXOTIC DANCERS: Available for privates & parties

Newspaper Classified I

Found: Men's wedding band found at Hummer Park

Headline

Peer into the depths of irritable bowel syndrome

Garfield Without Garfield

Garfield Minus Garfield is a site dedicated to removing Garfield from the Garfield comic strips in order to reveal the existential angst of a certain young Mr. Jon Arbuckle. It is a journey deep into the mind of an isolated young everyman as he fights a losing battle against loneliness and depression in a quiet American suburb.

Click here to visit the site.

Duh! Double Duh!

Rod Stewart

Decades ago Mr. Stewart asked us if we thought he was sexy. Seeing him in a powder blue Lamborghini I'm going to have to go with "no". Sexy would be a red Lamborghini. In my driveway. Without Mr. Stewart.

Headline : Athletes To Donate Brains For Concussion Study

You gotta wonder what those athletes are going to do without their brains. Politics maybe?

41 Songs From The Movies

This is a great way to spend some time. A list of songs has been compiled from movie soundtracks. And the music video accompanies each movie. Click here to explore the songs.

Quoted

Said George Clooney : If I were as famous as some of those kids who are on the magazines right now at 21 years old, I'd be shooting crack under my eyeball.

Honda Gives New Meaning To Road Noise

Residents of northern Los Angeles County are not grooving to this music. Lancaster city officials said this week that they're paving over a quarter-mile strip of asphalt grooved to play the William Tell Overture when auto tires speed over it.

The road was completed this month as part of an ad campaign for Honda. It's engineered to play the overture — also known as the theme to "The Lone Ranger" — at perfect pitch for motorists driving Honda Civics at 55 mph.

There are several videos of this at YouTube. When I Become Omnipotent I think I'll have most major highways tuned to play various songs from the 70's. I-5 should be long enough for the entire Bat Out Of Hell album from Meatloaf. Just imagine listening to Paradise By The Dashboard Light while going over the Grapevine.

Great Idea

One of my concerns about becoming omnipotent is the pressure to constantly come up with good ideas. For instance, Krispy Kreme has just announced they are going to introduce ice cream to many of their stores. Hmmmm, donuts AND ice cream. Damn good idea. Divinely inspired.

A Gift Idea For Someone Who Has Everything

AT 500 carats, it's one of the largest diamonds ever discovered. But it is far from the largest diamond ever found. That one was 3,100 carats. But still, who would pass up this one?

Never Give Up

Polio. Open-heart surgery. Prostate problems. Financial ruin. Ray Moon (center) has overcome all of this to become an Australian body-building champion. He'll soon be 80 years old.

No Moose Is Safe!

(Click image to enlarge)

Have A Problem With Alcohol?

Well thanks to the British, we now have a list of the type of drinker you are:

· "De-stress drinkers" use alcohol to regain control of life and calm down. They include middle-class women and men.

· "Conformist drinkers" are driven by the need to belong and seek a structure to their lives. They are typically men aged 45 to 59 in clerical or manual jobs.

· "Boredom drinkers" consume alcohol to pass the time, seeking stimulation to relieve the monotony of life. Alcohol helps them to feel comforted and secure.

· "Depressed drinkers" may be of any age, gender or socioeconomic group. They crave comfort, safety and security.

· "Re-bonding drinkers" are driven by a need to keep in touch with people who are close to them.

· "Community drinkers" are motivated by the need to belong. They are usually lower middle class men and women who drink in large friendship groups.

· "Hedonistic drinkers" crave stimulation and want to abandon control. They are often divorced people with grown-up children, who want to stand out from the crowd.

· "Macho drinkers" spend most of their spare time in pubs. They are mostly men of all ages who want to stand out from the crowd.

· "Border dependents" regard the pub as a home from home. They visit it during the day and the evening, on weekdays and at weekends, drinking fast and often.

Of course if you fit into two or more of these categories, I'd suggest you immediately find the next AA meeting in your neighborhood.

The World's Largest

Over the years we learn to become less impressed with "biggest", "largest", "greatest", etc..... But here's a list that actually has some fun and totally unexpected things on it. Click here for a great tour.

International Park(ing) Day

Click here to find out how to create an instant (but temporary) park. We need more of these.

Free Levi

Now considered a political prisoner, efforts are under way to assist this young man in his escape. Click on FREE LEVI for more details.

How To Vote

When I Become Omnipotent elections will be a thing of the past. After all, I'll be in charge and we won't need politicians. But in the meantime, it's your choice on how to vote. Click here for a web site that offers a modest proposal.

Quote Of The Day

So says Josh Billings : A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.

Music Trivia

For 36 straight months (3 years!) this musical legend had 36 Top 10 songs on the charts. He would have had many more had he not been killed in an airplane accident.

No one has yet to come close to this record. Not The Beatles, not Elvis and certainly not Michael Jackson. A small hint....this happened in the early 1940's.

Okay, I'll tell you. It was Glenn Miller. When I Become Omnipotent, Mr. Miller will be featured in the main music hall in heaven.

Overheard

Elderly customer (who looked to be 75) to salesman : Lifetime warranties impress me very little at my age.

Pit Bulls

Despite no one asking the question, Sarah Palin was sure happy to tell us the difference between a pit bull and a soccer mom. Her one word response : "lipstick".

Well that's all nice and dandy. But now the question has arisen with regards to the difference between a pit bull and Carly Fiorina (fired CEO of Hewlett Packard and now republican gadabout). The answer is painfully obvious. Scroll down......

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BOTOX!

82nd

Happy Birthday PMP.

It's About Time!

Getting their star on the Walk of Fame has taken far too long. These icons of the disco era are just now being recognized for their HUGE contribution to the music scene. When I Become Omnipotent I'll make sure that oversights such as this don't happen.

But for now, let us celebrate the occasion:

Joke Of The Day

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?'

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'

Political Humor

I Have Omnipotent Competition

It seems that Chuck Norris is under the impression he is more omnipotent that me. Here is a collection of "facts" about this B-movie actor who obviously needs a visit to the Ego Reduction Clinic:


#If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

#There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

#Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

#Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

#Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.

#Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

#Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

#Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

#When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

#There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

#Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

#Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

#Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

#Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

#When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

#Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

#Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

#Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

#Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

#Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

#Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

#Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

#Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

Shhhhhhhhhhhhh...........

Click here for a photo journey to the world's quietest places. Not surprising, many of them are also among the most beautiful.

15 Reasons People Don't Tell The Truth

1. I don't want to hurt your feelings.

2. It wasn't important (*referring to a 'one-night stand' infidelity.)

3. You won't be able to handle it.

4. This is not the right time.

5. I'll tell you when I figure it out.

6. I feel dumb (foolish) (embarrassed) telling you.

7. I should be able to handle this myself.

8. You must be tired of hearing the same thing.

9. You don't share so I won't.

10. I'm afraid you will get mad (sad) (afraid).

11. You're in a good mood and I don't want to bring you down.

12. I'm figuring out how to word it so I don't push your buttons
(*referring to confessing a sexual affair.)

13. You won't like me when you hear it.

14. Everything will unravel if I tell you about this.

15. You'll reject me or leave me if I tell you.

Today's Funny

On Thursday night's Late Show with David Letterman, he had special guests Al Pacino and Robert De Niro do the Top 10 list. Via satellite and seated in red leather chairs, the pair read off the Top Ten "Reasons I Like Being An Actor":

10: Sometimes when I go to the movies, the popcorn guy will give me a free squirt of chemical butter
(Al Pacino)

9: Every time I go to work, I get to ask myself, "I wonder if I'll see Harvey Keitel naked"
(Robert De Niro)

8: Well, you've got to keep honing your craft or you could end up out of the business and taking a job as Governor of California
(Al Pacino)

7: If you do a scene where you're eating pudding, they often let you keep the pudding
(Robert De Niro)

6: I got to meet Spider-Man
(Al Pacino)

5: It's the makeup. I like wearing the makeup.
(Robert De Niro)

4: You get to make films for personal reasons -- I made "Righteous Kill" to let people know I'm still alive
(Al Pacino)

3: You get to make films for personal reasons -- I made "Righteous Kill" to see if Al was still alive
(Robert De Niro)

2: Beats my old gig as a hockey mom
(Al Pacino)

1: Get to read well-crafted dialogue like, "Get the f*** out of here"
(Robert De Niro)

Quote Of The Day

Cloris Leachman shared this tidbit : I'll tell you about Mary Tyler Moore. When she has an orgasm she throws her hat in the air!

Who's The Father??????

A young man has come forward to confirm that it is he who is the father of Kristol Palin's unborn child. He seems like a really nice guy ready to take responsibility for his actions. Click here to watch his video.

It's Not Nice To Annoy The Omnipotent

Omnipotence likes to keep secrets. Some things just aren't meant to be known. Read why they should be afraid. Click here.

Billboard's Top 100 Of All Time

Billboard magazine is crazy. Click here to see their top 10. #7 is Debbie Boone's You Light Up My Life. Are you nuts Billboard? #7???

When I Become Omnipotent, I shall punish the idiots at Billboard by locking them in a bank vault and forcing them to listen to a scratchy 45 RPM recording of You Light Up My Life. Over and over and over again.

Beauty In Chaos

Even at her worst, Mother Nature can be beautiful. Click here for a collection of hurricane pictures. Despite being one of the most destructive forces on earth, from this point of view, the beauty is stunning.

Quote Of The Day

So said Mark Twain : In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

Word Of The Day

Pillage : The epoch marked by the advent of prozac

Being Omnipotent Has It's Perks

Here's the perfect wine glass.

So THAT'S What It's All About.....

With regards to the "Summer of 69", Mr. Adams has clarified it's meaning and he ain't talking about 1969:

Omnipotent Bumperstickers

*Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

*Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

*I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

*I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

*I intend to live forever - so far, so good

*If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

*Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

*Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy..

*If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something..

*Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film..

*Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

*OK, so what's the speed of dark?

*Black holes are where God divided by zero..

Do Actors Ever Get Embarrassed?

From the 1974 movie Zardoz comes this shot of Sean Connery.

When I become omnipotent all embarrassing pictures of me will be destroyed. Including the negatives.

The Greatest Chihuahua Movie Of All Time

(click image)

Die Green

New Rule Courtesy of Bill Maher

Don't throw the illegitimate baby out with the bathwater. [photo of John Edwards and Rielle Hunter] Now, let's take a moment and talk about the Democrat who wasn't there this week. When the adulterer, John Edwards, was airbrushed out of the Democratic Party, they also exiled the strongest voice on the issue of poverty they've had since Robert Kennedy.

And all because he once paid $400 for a haircut and then quite a bit more for a little trim.

You know, today is the third anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. And to the people still struggling in New Orleans and places like it, John Edwards was to the poverty issue what Al Gore was to global warming. He was their voice. The author of the Democrats' health care plan, and a Marriott Rewards Points Leader.

And it's sad he could no longer represent them. It's also sad that one of America's best-looking politicians was getting lower-quality tail than the midget who plays "Mini-Me." But, that's another issue.

Look, there's no doubt that what Senator Edwards did shows a serious lack of judgment. But, just because a man, a married man, cheats on his wife with a younger blond he met in a bar doesn't mean he's not a patriot. Just ask John McCain.

But, that shouldn't disqualify McCain from the presidency. Being a crazy, clueless warmonger, that should disqualify him.

But, not the personal stuff. Edwards is a man and he made a mistake. And, you know, a baby. And, because of that, there are some things he did not get to say at the convention. Like, the top one percent of people in America have more money than they bottom 150 million. And the gap between rich and poor is wider than it's been since the Great Depression.

But, the Democrats are so afraid of being the "adultery" party, they missed yet another opportunity to be the "adult" party, the one that says loudly and proudly, "We don't care whose wee-wee goes into whose hoo-hoo."

Our society is quick to chastise men who think with their d*cks. But, sacrificing a major voice on a big issue on the altar of Puritanism, isn't that just as stupid as thinking with your d*ck?

You know some presidents who had extramarital affairs? Kennedy, Eisenhower, Roosevelt, Jefferson. You want to know a president who never had an affair: George W. Bush.

That fact alone ought to make you want to elect Ron Jeremy.

Quoted III

Former Notre Dame footballer Joe Theismann: The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.

Quoted II

Serbian basketball player Vlade Divac: We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads.

Quoted

Interviewer: Why did you choose to star in the soft porn cult classic Caligula, in which you danced in a cone bra?

Helen Mirren: It was an irresistible mix of art and genitals.

Omnipotent Conversion Table

* Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

* 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 I.V. League

* 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won Ton

* 1 trillion microphones = 1 million phones = 1 megaphone

* 1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

* 1/1,000,000 mouthwash = 1 microscope

* 365.25 days = 1 Unicycle

* 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling = 1 lite year

* 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling

* 0.5 large intestine = 1 semicolon

* 1,000,000 rent-a-cars = 1 megahertz

* Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billygram

* Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

* Shortest distance between two jokes = a straight line

* Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

* 0.5 bathroom = 1 demijohn

* 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

* 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds

* 10 cards = 1 decacards

* 10 dents = 1 decadent

* 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton

* 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

* 1 million billion piccolos = 1 gigolo

* 10 rations = 1 decoration

* 100 rations = 1 C-ration

* 2 paradigms = 40 cents

* 1 paradox = 2 MDs

A Funny

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.

The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

Then a third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dog," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

Pretty Flowers

Can omnipotent beings improve on the flower? Each flower has its own unique beauty. I've tried to include many at my home. Click here for the pictures.

Overheard

Of course I've been to Walmart. That's where we buy our ammo.