Seriously, the list contains some items I'd love to have. But see for yourself. Click the picture to learn more.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Treehugger.com's List Of Bad Things
Seriously, the list contains some items I'd love to have. But see for yourself. Click the picture to learn more.
A Poll Among Teenagers Elicited This Response
On purity rings : "While I respect people who wear them, it is simply not my cup of tea," said the home-schooled 15 year old. "I've already lost my viriginity, and I'll probably lose it again before marriage. So there's really no point in me wearing one."
A Funny
An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra.
He asked the pharmacist, "Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?"
"I can cut them for you" said the pharmacist, "but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection."
"I'm 96 years old" said the man. "I don't want an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't pee on my slippers."
He asked the pharmacist, "Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?"
"I can cut them for you" said the pharmacist, "but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection."
"I'm 96 years old" said the man. "I don't want an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't pee on my slippers."
Virginity Pledges Don't Work
So says the headline. And I think a big, fat DUH is in order. Click here for all of the details.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Why? (Part 5)
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty liter?
How did a fool and his money get together?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty liter?
How did a fool and his money get together?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
The Holidays Can Be A Real Conundrum
Before the holidays, we look (more or less) like this:
However, after the holidays, we tend to look like this:
However, after the holidays, we tend to look like this:
Sunday, December 28, 2008
The Winners Are In! The Ten WORST Cars Of 2008....
Readers of a web site have voted and the list is prepared. Click the picture to find out if your favorite worst car is on it.
New Rule Courtesy of Bill Maher:
Now that its economy has collapsed, let's also bail out Iceland, and make it the 51st state. I like Iceland. It's like Alaska without the yahoos. Plus, they're all gorgeous and their favorite food is Ecstasy. And if you're bothered that 51 isn't an even number, then, New Rule: North and South Dakota must be renamed "Dakota." There, now give me Iceland.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Xmas Carols Renamed (Part 5)
1. Geographic state of fantasy during the season of Mother Nature's dormancy.
2. Proceed to declare something upon a specific geographical Alpine formation.
3. Obese personification fabricated of compressed mounds of minute crystals.
4. Jovial Yuletide desired for the second person singular or plural by us.
5. Thoracic-Squirrel diet barbecue.
1. Winter Wonderland
2. Go Tell It On the Mountain
3. Frosty the Snowman
4. We Wish You a Merry Christmas
5. Chestnuts Roasting On an Open Fire
2. Proceed to declare something upon a specific geographical Alpine formation.
3. Obese personification fabricated of compressed mounds of minute crystals.
4. Jovial Yuletide desired for the second person singular or plural by us.
5. Thoracic-Squirrel diet barbecue.
1. Winter Wonderland
2. Go Tell It On the Mountain
3. Frosty the Snowman
4. We Wish You a Merry Christmas
5. Chestnuts Roasting On an Open Fire
Xmas Carols Renamed (Part 4)
1. O nativity conifer.
2. During the time bovine caretakers supervised their charges past midnight.
3. What offspring abides thus?
4. Removed in a bovine feeding trough.
5. Expectation of arrival at a populated area by mythical, masculine, perennial gift-giver.
1. O Christmas Tree
2. While Shepards Watched Their Flocks By Night
3. What Child Is This?
4. Away In a Manger
5. Here Comes Santa Clause
2. During the time bovine caretakers supervised their charges past midnight.
3. What offspring abides thus?
4. Removed in a bovine feeding trough.
5. Expectation of arrival at a populated area by mythical, masculine, perennial gift-giver.
1. O Christmas Tree
2. While Shepards Watched Their Flocks By Night
3. What Child Is This?
4. Away In a Manger
5. Here Comes Santa Clause
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Xmas Carols Renamed (Part 3)
1. This autocratic trioka originates near the ascent of Apollo.
2. The primary carol.
3. Natal celebration devoid of color, rather albino, as in a hallucinatory phenomenon for me.
4. Valention, the roseate probascis wapiti.
5. Diminutive masculine master of skin-covered percussionistic cylinders.
1. We Three Kings (of Orient are)
2. The First Noel
3. I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas
4. Rudolf, The Red-Nosed Reindeer
5. The Little Drummer Boy
2. The primary carol.
3. Natal celebration devoid of color, rather albino, as in a hallucinatory phenomenon for me.
4. Valention, the roseate probascis wapiti.
5. Diminutive masculine master of skin-covered percussionistic cylinders.
1. We Three Kings (of Orient are)
2. The First Noel
3. I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas
4. Rudolf, The Red-Nosed Reindeer
5. The Little Drummer Boy
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Want That Man In Your Life To Smell Like A Whopper?
FLAME, the new fragrance from Burger King. Click the picture for more details:
Xmas Carols Renamed (Part 2)
Here's the second list of songs that have been re-titled. First, the new titles and then scroll down for the traditional name:
1. The thing manifested itself at the onset of a transparent day.
2. Embellish the interior passageways.
3. Tintinnabulation of vacillating pendulums in inverted metallic
resonant cups.
4. Hey, minuscule urban area south of Jerusalem.
5. Nocturnal timespan of unbroken quietness.
Correct titles below the picture-
1. It Came Upon a Midnight Clear
2. Deck the Halls
3. Jingle Bells
4. O Little Town of Bethlehem
5. Silent Night
1. The thing manifested itself at the onset of a transparent day.
2. Embellish the interior passageways.
3. Tintinnabulation of vacillating pendulums in inverted metallic
resonant cups.
4. Hey, minuscule urban area south of Jerusalem.
5. Nocturnal timespan of unbroken quietness.
Correct titles below the picture-
1. It Came Upon a Midnight Clear
2. Deck the Halls
3. Jingle Bells
4. O Little Town of Bethlehem
5. Silent Night
Saturday, December 20, 2008
All I Want For Xmas.....
Panasonic has created this 150 inch plasma TV. That's 12.5 feet wide!!! Just imagine how big Oprah would look on this.
New Movies
As you know, the movie Milk chronicles the life of the first openly gay publicly elected official in the country. Next spring filming will start on a movie that will likewise take a look at the first bi-sexual to be elected to office. The name of that movie will be Half & Half.
Xmas Carols Renamed (Part 1)
Someone (not me) took the time to rename common Xmas carols. Below are the first batch. Answers are below the picture....NO CHEATING!
1. Move hitherwards, the entire assembly of those who are steadfast.
2. Ecstasy towards the terrestrial sphere.
3. Hush, the celestial messengers produce harmonious sounds.
4. Creator, cool it, you kooky cats.
5. O tatterdemalion ebony atmosphere.
1. Move hitherwards, the entire assembly of those who are steadfast.
2. Ecstasy towards the terrestrial sphere.
3. Hush, the celestial messengers produce harmonious sounds.
4. Creator, cool it, you kooky cats.
5. O tatterdemalion ebony atmosphere.
1. O Come All Ye Faithful
2. Joy To the World
3. Hark The Herald Angels Sing
4. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
5. O Holy Night
Friday, December 19, 2008
Wildlife Experts Ponder Gender of Santa's Reindeer
Actual headline which raises the question, why bother? For more, click here.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Annoy Not Mother Nature
A map has been created showing where in the United States Mother Nature is most likely to kill you. Celebrate the joy of this creation by going here.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Police Log
A woman called the sheriff's department about 10:30AM Monday to report her soon to be ex-husband told her to "just die" when she asked what she could do to make things easier for him.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Why? (Part 4)
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
What do they use to ship Styrofoam?
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
"Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted."
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
What do they use to ship Styrofoam?
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
"Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted."
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
Monday, December 8, 2008
A Funny
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Ice cream soda!
Ice cream soda who?
ICE CREAM SODA PEOPLE CAN HEAR ME...
Who's there?
Ice cream soda!
Ice cream soda who?
ICE CREAM SODA PEOPLE CAN HEAR ME...
The Top 18 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus
1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa"
7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
8. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.
9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.
10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy." Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa"
11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.
15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
16. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
17. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.
18. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."
2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa"
7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
8. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.
9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.
10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy." Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa"
11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.
15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
16. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
17. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.
18. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Quote
Peter Marshall: "Right after Trigger died, what did Roy Rogers announce he would do?"
Paul Lynde: "Dismount."
Paul Lynde: "Dismount."
Phyllis Diller Said
Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
A Funny
There's a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Barbie was hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line is Barbie surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmos. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Barbie.
'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.'
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Why? (Part 4)
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
If "Q" were castrated, would he become "O"?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
If "Q" were castrated, would he become "O"?
Monday, December 1, 2008
You Know You Might Be The Governor Of Alaska When..........
You've had Sunday dinner on a Ping-Pong table.
And that dinner is squirrel and dumplings.
You've ever re-used a paper plate.
If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
Your best serving platter is an old hub cap.
Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.
Your Moose Stew secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.
Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
Your secret family recipe is illegal.
You serve Vienna Sausage as an appetizer.
And that dinner is squirrel and dumplings.
You've ever re-used a paper plate.
If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
Your best serving platter is an old hub cap.
Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.
Your Moose Stew secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.
Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
Your secret family recipe is illegal.
You serve Vienna Sausage as an appetizer.
When I Become Omnipotent...
Everyone will have a theme song. Mine is from the Rolling Stones, "You can't always get what you want". Now start thinking which song you want.
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