Seriously, the list contains some items I'd love to have. But see for yourself. Click the picture to learn more.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Treehugger.com's List Of Bad Things
Seriously, the list contains some items I'd love to have. But see for yourself. Click the picture to learn more.
A Poll Among Teenagers Elicited This Response
On purity rings : "While I respect people who wear them, it is simply not my cup of tea," said the home-schooled 15 year old. "I've already lost my viriginity, and I'll probably lose it again before marriage. So there's really no point in me wearing one."
A Funny
An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra.
He asked the pharmacist, "Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?"
"I can cut them for you" said the pharmacist, "but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection."
"I'm 96 years old" said the man. "I don't want an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't pee on my slippers."
He asked the pharmacist, "Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?"
"I can cut them for you" said the pharmacist, "but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection."
"I'm 96 years old" said the man. "I don't want an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't pee on my slippers."
Virginity Pledges Don't Work
So says the headline. And I think a big, fat DUH is in order. Click here for all of the details.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Why? (Part 5)
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty liter?
How did a fool and his money get together?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty liter?
How did a fool and his money get together?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
The Holidays Can Be A Real Conundrum
Before the holidays, we look (more or less) like this:
However, after the holidays, we tend to look like this:
However, after the holidays, we tend to look like this:
Sunday, December 28, 2008
The Winners Are In! The Ten WORST Cars Of 2008....
Readers of a web site have voted and the list is prepared. Click the picture to find out if your favorite worst car is on it.
New Rule Courtesy of Bill Maher:
Now that its economy has collapsed, let's also bail out Iceland, and make it the 51st state. I like Iceland. It's like Alaska without the yahoos. Plus, they're all gorgeous and their favorite food is Ecstasy. And if you're bothered that 51 isn't an even number, then, New Rule: North and South Dakota must be renamed "Dakota." There, now give me Iceland.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Xmas Carols Renamed (Part 5)
1. Geographic state of fantasy during the season of Mother Nature's dormancy.
2. Proceed to declare something upon a specific geographical Alpine formation.
3. Obese personification fabricated of compressed mounds of minute crystals.
4. Jovial Yuletide desired for the second person singular or plural by us.
5. Thoracic-Squirrel diet barbecue.
1. Winter Wonderland
2. Go Tell It On the Mountain
3. Frosty the Snowman
4. We Wish You a Merry Christmas
5. Chestnuts Roasting On an Open Fire
2. Proceed to declare something upon a specific geographical Alpine formation.
3. Obese personification fabricated of compressed mounds of minute crystals.
4. Jovial Yuletide desired for the second person singular or plural by us.
5. Thoracic-Squirrel diet barbecue.
1. Winter Wonderland
2. Go Tell It On the Mountain
3. Frosty the Snowman
4. We Wish You a Merry Christmas
5. Chestnuts Roasting On an Open Fire
Xmas Carols Renamed (Part 4)
1. O nativity conifer.
2. During the time bovine caretakers supervised their charges past midnight.
3. What offspring abides thus?
4. Removed in a bovine feeding trough.
5. Expectation of arrival at a populated area by mythical, masculine, perennial gift-giver.
1. O Christmas Tree
2. While Shepards Watched Their Flocks By Night
3. What Child Is This?
4. Away In a Manger
5. Here Comes Santa Clause
2. During the time bovine caretakers supervised their charges past midnight.
3. What offspring abides thus?
4. Removed in a bovine feeding trough.
5. Expectation of arrival at a populated area by mythical, masculine, perennial gift-giver.
1. O Christmas Tree
2. While Shepards Watched Their Flocks By Night
3. What Child Is This?
4. Away In a Manger
5. Here Comes Santa Clause
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Xmas Carols Renamed (Part 3)
1. This autocratic trioka originates near the ascent of Apollo.
2. The primary carol.
3. Natal celebration devoid of color, rather albino, as in a hallucinatory phenomenon for me.
4. Valention, the roseate probascis wapiti.
5. Diminutive masculine master of skin-covered percussionistic cylinders.
1. We Three Kings (of Orient are)
2. The First Noel
3. I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas
4. Rudolf, The Red-Nosed Reindeer
5. The Little Drummer Boy
2. The primary carol.
3. Natal celebration devoid of color, rather albino, as in a hallucinatory phenomenon for me.
4. Valention, the roseate probascis wapiti.
5. Diminutive masculine master of skin-covered percussionistic cylinders.
1. We Three Kings (of Orient are)
2. The First Noel
3. I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas
4. Rudolf, The Red-Nosed Reindeer
5. The Little Drummer Boy
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Want That Man In Your Life To Smell Like A Whopper?
FLAME, the new fragrance from Burger King. Click the picture for more details:
Xmas Carols Renamed (Part 2)
Here's the second list of songs that have been re-titled. First, the new titles and then scroll down for the traditional name:
1. The thing manifested itself at the onset of a transparent day.
2. Embellish the interior passageways.
3. Tintinnabulation of vacillating pendulums in inverted metallic
resonant cups.
4. Hey, minuscule urban area south of Jerusalem.
5. Nocturnal timespan of unbroken quietness.
Correct titles below the picture-
1. It Came Upon a Midnight Clear
2. Deck the Halls
3. Jingle Bells
4. O Little Town of Bethlehem
5. Silent Night
1. The thing manifested itself at the onset of a transparent day.
2. Embellish the interior passageways.
3. Tintinnabulation of vacillating pendulums in inverted metallic
resonant cups.
4. Hey, minuscule urban area south of Jerusalem.
5. Nocturnal timespan of unbroken quietness.
Correct titles below the picture-
1. It Came Upon a Midnight Clear
2. Deck the Halls
3. Jingle Bells
4. O Little Town of Bethlehem
5. Silent Night
Saturday, December 20, 2008
All I Want For Xmas.....
Panasonic has created this 150 inch plasma TV. That's 12.5 feet wide!!! Just imagine how big Oprah would look on this.
New Movies
As you know, the movie Milk chronicles the life of the first openly gay publicly elected official in the country. Next spring filming will start on a movie that will likewise take a look at the first bi-sexual to be elected to office. The name of that movie will be Half & Half.
Xmas Carols Renamed (Part 1)
Someone (not me) took the time to rename common Xmas carols. Below are the first batch. Answers are below the picture....NO CHEATING!
1. Move hitherwards, the entire assembly of those who are steadfast.
2. Ecstasy towards the terrestrial sphere.
3. Hush, the celestial messengers produce harmonious sounds.
4. Creator, cool it, you kooky cats.
5. O tatterdemalion ebony atmosphere.
1. Move hitherwards, the entire assembly of those who are steadfast.
2. Ecstasy towards the terrestrial sphere.
3. Hush, the celestial messengers produce harmonious sounds.
4. Creator, cool it, you kooky cats.
5. O tatterdemalion ebony atmosphere.
1. O Come All Ye Faithful
2. Joy To the World
3. Hark The Herald Angels Sing
4. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
5. O Holy Night
Friday, December 19, 2008
Wildlife Experts Ponder Gender of Santa's Reindeer
Actual headline which raises the question, why bother? For more, click here.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Annoy Not Mother Nature
A map has been created showing where in the United States Mother Nature is most likely to kill you. Celebrate the joy of this creation by going here.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Police Log
A woman called the sheriff's department about 10:30AM Monday to report her soon to be ex-husband told her to "just die" when she asked what she could do to make things easier for him.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Why? (Part 4)
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
What do they use to ship Styrofoam?
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
"Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted."
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
What do they use to ship Styrofoam?
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
"Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted."
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
Monday, December 8, 2008
A Funny
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Ice cream soda!
Ice cream soda who?
ICE CREAM SODA PEOPLE CAN HEAR ME...
Who's there?
Ice cream soda!
Ice cream soda who?
ICE CREAM SODA PEOPLE CAN HEAR ME...
The Top 18 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus
1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa"
7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
8. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.
9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.
10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy." Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa"
11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.
15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
16. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
17. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.
18. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."
2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa"
7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
8. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.
9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.
10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy." Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa"
11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.
15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
16. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
17. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.
18. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Quote
Peter Marshall: "Right after Trigger died, what did Roy Rogers announce he would do?"
Paul Lynde: "Dismount."
Paul Lynde: "Dismount."
Phyllis Diller Said
Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
A Funny
There's a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Barbie was hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line is Barbie surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmos. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Barbie.
'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.'
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Why? (Part 4)
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
If "Q" were castrated, would he become "O"?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
If "Q" were castrated, would he become "O"?
Monday, December 1, 2008
You Know You Might Be The Governor Of Alaska When..........
You've had Sunday dinner on a Ping-Pong table.
And that dinner is squirrel and dumplings.
You've ever re-used a paper plate.
If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
Your best serving platter is an old hub cap.
Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.
Your Moose Stew secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.
Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
Your secret family recipe is illegal.
You serve Vienna Sausage as an appetizer.
And that dinner is squirrel and dumplings.
You've ever re-used a paper plate.
If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
Your best serving platter is an old hub cap.
Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.
Your Moose Stew secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.
Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
Your secret family recipe is illegal.
You serve Vienna Sausage as an appetizer.
When I Become Omnipotent...
Everyone will have a theme song. Mine is from the Rolling Stones, "You can't always get what you want". Now start thinking which song you want.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Popular Dogs By Location
The top 10 dogs are listed by city. Click here to explore the results. Caution, there are over two dozen cities listed so take your time and enjoy the pictures too.
Why? (Part 3)
If all is not lost, where is it?
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
Deep Thought
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES; NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
I Do My Part For Thanksgiving...Happy Turkey Day To All!
Thanksgiving always brings a terrible chore,
'Cause I’m forced to eat and eat some more.
If I don’t eat it up right down to dessert,
I fear the cook’s feelings will be hurt,
So I do my part, even though I suffer;
To help out the others, I’m a belly stuffer.
'Cause I’m forced to eat and eat some more.
If I don’t eat it up right down to dessert,
I fear the cook’s feelings will be hurt,
So I do my part, even though I suffer;
To help out the others, I’m a belly stuffer.
Why? (Part 2)
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Lost In Space
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Why?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
What's another word for synonym?
So what's the speed of dark?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
What's another word for synonym?
So what's the speed of dark?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Friday, November 21, 2008
Fun Fact
Joseph Smith, leader of the Mormon Church, convicted of polygamy in November 1906 (damn those Mormons can carry a grudge)
Pop Quiz : What Does The "WD" in WD-40 Stand For?
Water Displacement
WD-40 was originally developed in 1953 by the Rocket Chemical Company, as a rust preventative solvent. Their first customer, Convair, used it to protect the outer skin of the Atlas Missile, America's first nuclear intercontinental ballistic missile. The formula was the 40th attempt at developing the suitable water displacement product, thus the name "WD-40". The original ICBM-protecting formula remains unchanged to this day, even if its uses are somewhat more mundane.
New Rule From Bill Maher
Fashion models must lose the disinterested sneer. That look doesn't say "pouty mystique." It says, "I have rectal itch." You know, I know it sucks to be 16 and stuck on a runway in Milan in a Versace original, but consider the outfit you could be wearing. [photo shown of girls in Hotdog-on-a-Stick uniforms]
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Free Dr Pepper (see, it pays to read my blog)
Dr Pepper is making good on its promise of free soda now that the release of Guns N' Roses' "Chinese Democracy" is a reality.
The soft-drink maker said in March that it would give a free soda to everyone in America if the album dropped in 2008. "Chinese Democracy," infamously delayed since recording began in 1994, goes on sale Sunday.
Beginning Sunday at 12:01 a.m., coupons for a free 20-ounce soda will be available for 24 hours on Dr Pepper's Web site.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Obama’s Use of Complete Sentences Stirs Controversy
In the first two weeks since the election, President-elect Barack Obama has broken with a tradition established over the past eight years through his controversial use of complete sentences, political observers say.
Millions of Americans who watched Mr. Obama's appearance on CBS' "Sixty Minutes" on Sunday witnessed the president-elect's unorthodox verbal tick, which had Mr. Obama employing grammatically correct sentences virtually every time he opened his mouth.
But Mr. Obama's decision to use complete sentences in his public pronouncements carries with it certain risks, since after the last eight years many Americans may find his odd speaking style jarring.
According to presidential historian Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota, some Americans might find it "alienating" to have a President who speaks English as if it were his first language.
"Every time Obama opens his mouth, his subjects and verbs are in agreement," says Mr. Logsdon. "If he keeps it up, he is running the risk of sounding like an elitist."
The historian said that if Mr. Obama insists on using complete sentences in his speeches, the public may find itself saying, "Okay, subject, predicate, subject predicate - we get it, stop showing off."
The President-elect's stubborn insistence on using complete sentences has already attracted a rebuke from one of his harshest critics, Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska.
"Talking with complete sentences there and also too talking in a way that ordinary Americans like Joe the Plumber and Tito the Builder can't really do there, I think needing to do that isn't tapping into what Americans are needing also," she said.
Millions of Americans who watched Mr. Obama's appearance on CBS' "Sixty Minutes" on Sunday witnessed the president-elect's unorthodox verbal tick, which had Mr. Obama employing grammatically correct sentences virtually every time he opened his mouth.
But Mr. Obama's decision to use complete sentences in his public pronouncements carries with it certain risks, since after the last eight years many Americans may find his odd speaking style jarring.
According to presidential historian Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota, some Americans might find it "alienating" to have a President who speaks English as if it were his first language.
"Every time Obama opens his mouth, his subjects and verbs are in agreement," says Mr. Logsdon. "If he keeps it up, he is running the risk of sounding like an elitist."
The historian said that if Mr. Obama insists on using complete sentences in his speeches, the public may find itself saying, "Okay, subject, predicate, subject predicate - we get it, stop showing off."
The President-elect's stubborn insistence on using complete sentences has already attracted a rebuke from one of his harshest critics, Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska.
"Talking with complete sentences there and also too talking in a way that ordinary Americans like Joe the Plumber and Tito the Builder can't really do there, I think needing to do that isn't tapping into what Americans are needing also," she said.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Letter From Dog to God
TO: GOD
FROM: THE DOG
Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?
Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the " Chrysler Beagle"?
Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? ...If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog-
1 . I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.
4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.
5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "hello".
8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table .
9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.
10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.
12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I please have my testicles back?
FROM: THE DOG
Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?
Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the " Chrysler Beagle"?
Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? ...If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog-
1 . I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.
4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.
5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "hello".
8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table .
9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.
10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.
12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I please have my testicles back?
Quote
I wouldn't want to be a Russian leader. They never know when they are being taped.
---Richard Nixon
---Richard Nixon
Monday, November 17, 2008
Police Log
A resident of High Street reported someone came into her house while she was gone, shaved her dog and took her cell phone charger
Redneck Pick-Up Lines
1) Did you fart?
cuz you just blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .
I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.
6) If you was a tree and I was a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.
8) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
9) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
10) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon..
11) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up
cuz you just blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .
I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.
6) If you was a tree and I was a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.
8) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
9) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
10) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon..
11) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up
Sunday, November 16, 2008
America's Most Unhealthy City
Huntington, WV has more pizza parlors than the entire state of West Virginia has gyms and health clubs. Interesting details can be found here.
Life Explained
On the first day, God created the dog and said:
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's fami ly. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's fami ly. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Bill Maher New Rule
Now that its economy has collapsed, let's also bail out Iceland, and make it the 51st state. I like Iceland. It's like Alaska without the yahoos. Plus, they're all gorgeous and their favorite food is Ecstasy. And if you're bothered that 51 isn't an even number, then, New Rule: North and South Dakota must be renamed "Dakota." There, now give me Iceland.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Brigham Young Said:
Marriage is a civil contract. You might as well make a law to say how many children a man shall have, as to make a law to say how many wives he shall have. It would be as sensible to make a law to say how many horses or oxen he shall possess, or how many cows his wife shall milk.
50 Fun Facts About President Obama
• He collects Spider-Man and Conan the Barbarian comics
• He was known as "O'Bomber" at high school for his skill at basketball
• His name means "one who is blessed" in Swahili
• His favourite meal is wife Michelle's shrimp linguini
• He won a Grammy in 2006 for the audio version of his memoir, Dreams From My Father
• He is left-handed – the sixth post-war president to be left-handed
• He has read every Harry Potter book
• He owns a set of red boxing gloves autographed by Muhammad Ali
• He worked in a Baskin-Robbins ice cream shop as a teenager and now can't stand ice cream
• His favourite snacks are chocolate-peanut protein bars
• He ate dog meat, snake meat, and roasted grasshopper while living in Indonesia
• He can speak Spanish
• While on the campaign trail he refused to watch CNN and had sports channels on instead
• His favourite drink is black forest berry iced tea
• He promised Michelle he would quit smoking before running for president – he didn't
• He kept a pet ape called Tata while in Indonesia
• He can bench press an impressive 200lbs
• He was known as Barry until university when he asked to be addressed by his full name
• His favourite book is Moby-Dick by Herman Melville
• He visited Wokingham, Berks, in 1996 for the stag party of his half-sister's fiancé, but left when a stripper arrived
• His desk in his Senate office once belonged to Robert Kennedy
• He and Michelle made $4.2 million (£2.7 million) last year, with much coming from sales of his books
• His favourite films are Casablanca and One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
• He carries a tiny Madonna and child statue and a bracelet belonging to a soldier in Iraq for good luck
• He applied to appear in a black pin-up calendar while at Harvard but was rejected by the all-female committee.
• His favourite music includes Miles Davis, Bob Dylan, Bach and The Fugees
• He took Michelle to see the Spike Lee film Do The Right Thing on their first date
• He enjoys playing Scrabble and poker
• He doesn't drink coffee and rarely drinks alcohol
• He would have liked to have been an architect if he were not a politician
• As a teenager he took drugs including marijuana and cocaine
• His daughters' ambitions are to go to Yale before becoming an actress (Malia, 10) and to sing and dance (Sasha, 7)
• He hates the youth trend for trousers which sag beneath the backside
• He repaid his student loan only four years ago after signing his book deal
• His house in Chicago has four fire places
• Daughter Malia's godmother is Jesse Jackson's daughter Santita
• He says his worst habit is constantly checking his BlackBerry
• He uses an Apple Mac laptop
• He drives a Ford Escape Hybrid, having ditched his gas-guzzling Chrysler 300
• He wears $1,500 (£952) Hart Schaffner Marx suits
• He owns four identical pairs of black size 11 shoes
• He has his hair cut once a week by his Chicago barber, Zariff, who charges $21 (£13)
• His favourite fictional television programmes are Mash and The Wire
• He was given the code name "Renegade" by his Secret Service handlers
• He was nicknamed "Bear" by his late grandmother
• He plans to install a basketball court in the White House grounds
• His favourite artist is Pablo Picasso
• His speciality as a cook is chilli
• He has said many of his friends in Indonesia were "street urchins"
• He keeps on his desk a carving of a wooden hand holding an egg, a Kenyan symbol of the fragility of life
• His late father was a senior economist for the Kenyan government
Seperation Of Corporation And State
Every so often an idea comes along that rings with such clarity and purpose that it ignites the imaginations of millions of people. Click the picture to learn more.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Common Sense Solutions To Everyday Problems
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache.
Sometimes we Just Need to Remember What The Rules of Life Really Are...
You need only two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
If You Woke up Breathing, Congratulations! You have another chance!
And Finally. Be Really Good To Your Family and Friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
Friday, November 7, 2008
New Revelations About Sarah Palin (Dave Letterman's Top Ten)
10. Thinks Fox New may still declare her and John McCain the winner
9. At her wedding instead of "I do", said, "You betcha!"
8. She and Governor Schwazenegger once exchanged swimsuit competition posing tips.
7. Prepared for campaign by watching "Legally Blonde 2"
6. Thinks "NAFTA" stand for "need Another Fifty Thousand For Accessories"
5. Begins every day by reading a passage from the hilarious Late Show Fun Facts book available everywhere.
4. She's a person of interest in five unsolved snow machine hit-and-runs
3. Abused position as governor to get free appetizers at Anchorage Applebee's
2. Already has a new job as briefcase babe number 12 on "Deal or No Deal"
1. Her secret service code name was "Huh?"
9. At her wedding instead of "I do", said, "You betcha!"
8. She and Governor Schwazenegger once exchanged swimsuit competition posing tips.
7. Prepared for campaign by watching "Legally Blonde 2"
6. Thinks "NAFTA" stand for "need Another Fifty Thousand For Accessories"
5. Begins every day by reading a passage from the hilarious Late Show Fun Facts book available everywhere.
4. She's a person of interest in five unsolved snow machine hit-and-runs
3. Abused position as governor to get free appetizers at Anchorage Applebee's
2. Already has a new job as briefcase babe number 12 on "Deal or No Deal"
1. Her secret service code name was "Huh?"
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Police Log
Theft: A woman in the 1900 block of 129th Lane Northeast reported Oct 15 that someone must have stolen her mail, because she did not receive birthday cards from some of her friends
Pizza Recipe
Garlic, olive oil base, mozzarella, gorgonzola, roasted red peppers, spinach, parmesan sausage, man nuts
Some Strange Animal Facts
Blue whale babies weigh up to 7 tonnes at birth.
A female cod can lay up to 9 million eggs.
Snakes can see through their eyelids.
Elephants spend 23 hours a day eating.
Vultures sometimes eat so much they can't take off again.
The Amazon 'Jesus Christ lizard' can run across water.
The biggest Antarctic inland animal is a wingless fly measuring about 60 mm long.
Fleas can jump up to 30 cm, twenty times their own body length.
Bluebottle flies can smell meat from distances 7 km away.
Many birds migrate, but the Arctic tern travels furthest. It flies from the Arctic to the Antarctic, and back again, a trip of 32,000 kilometers.
Some animals can regrow parts of their bodies if damaged. Starfish can grow new 'arms.' Slow-worms can regrow broken-off tails. Lizards can grow new tails.
One golden poison-dart frog could kill up to 1500 people with its poison.
The giant squid has the largest eyes of any animal. They can be 39 cm across, which is 16 times wider than a human eye.
The peregrine falcon can spot its prey from more than 8 km away.
The sleepiest mammals are armadillos, sloths and opossums. They spend 80 per cent of their lives sleeping or dozing.
A mayfly only lives one day, but a tortoise can expect to live 100 years.
A female cod can lay up to 9 million eggs.
Snakes can see through their eyelids.
Elephants spend 23 hours a day eating.
Vultures sometimes eat so much they can't take off again.
The Amazon 'Jesus Christ lizard' can run across water.
The biggest Antarctic inland animal is a wingless fly measuring about 60 mm long.
Fleas can jump up to 30 cm, twenty times their own body length.
Bluebottle flies can smell meat from distances 7 km away.
Many birds migrate, but the Arctic tern travels furthest. It flies from the Arctic to the Antarctic, and back again, a trip of 32,000 kilometers.
Some animals can regrow parts of their bodies if damaged. Starfish can grow new 'arms.' Slow-worms can regrow broken-off tails. Lizards can grow new tails.
One golden poison-dart frog could kill up to 1500 people with its poison.
The giant squid has the largest eyes of any animal. They can be 39 cm across, which is 16 times wider than a human eye.
The peregrine falcon can spot its prey from more than 8 km away.
The sleepiest mammals are armadillos, sloths and opossums. They spend 80 per cent of their lives sleeping or dozing.
A mayfly only lives one day, but a tortoise can expect to live 100 years.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Monday, November 3, 2008
Sunday, November 2, 2008
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