Some Of The Best Television Isn't On TV

For those into Science Fiction and highly stylized entertainment, allow me to suggest:

Soap

When I become omnipotent all public restrooms will have foamy soap only. And if necessary, the soap may have a slight fragrance. However, it must be a pleasant fragrance. Omnipotent beings hate that mediciney smell.

Only In America

Where else but America can you find a black man running for president and a woman seeking the vice presidency? Is this a great country or what?!?!? The democrats have chosen for the first time in history a black man for the presidency. And the republicans have chosen for their vice president a white woman who has never seen a black man before.

Everything You Need To Know About Ms. Palin

An Alaskan blogger gives us a unique insight into the person that is Sarah Palin. Just click here.

It's Been Said Of McCain's VP Choice

Said wedgie on www.236.com : Man. I am REALLY scratching my head on this one. I was thinking some 58 year old retired General with a name like Chuck Hunter. Some guy so deeply into the Pentagon that he could start a war just by mis-dialing his cell phone.

Instead, we, in a time of war, are going all Church Lady.

Cloudbow

What, you ask, is a "cloudbow"? It's something I saw for the first time recently. High in the sky were a lot of wispy clouds. The sun was nearing it's time to set. Looking up I saw a rainbow contained in those clouds. Stunning. But then again, I love rainbows.

It Offended The Pope

I can't imagine why his holiness would get his knickers in a bunch over a crucified frog. Click here and see if you're as easily offended.

Sunrise On Mars

Click here for a picture of the sun rising over the Martian surface. Very cool.

Words Of Wisdom

Bucky the cat says : I don't feel it's healthy to keep your faults bottled up inside of me.

Word Of The Day

The word testimony came from men in Roman times taking an oath before the court that they were telling the truth. To insure their statements were accurate, they swore on their testicles.

Club Sandwiches Not Seals

I guess us old people don't wear funny t-shirts any more. I find that sad given that some of the world's greatest philosophical statements have appeared on the chests of the unwitting. But it's the funny ones that always entertain me. In case anyone wants to add to their collection, click here for some great options.

Quote Of The Day

Project Runway's Tim Gunn said : "Cindy McCain looks like somebody has twisted her ponytail into a knot and tried to give her a face lift."

Rescue Angels

New York City has a new group of folks that rescue unwanted and abused animals. Click here for more details.

When I become omnipotent, no animal will be allowed to suffer. Okay, maybe rattlesnakes. They aren't the most friendly but they do make a great pair of boots.

Just How Long is Eternity?

When I become omnipotent I expect to use a my powers to condemn those who cut me off in traffic. My goal would be to commit these jerks to the lowest depths of hell. But I want them to stay there beyond eternity. So let's just say they will be damned for eternity plus an additional eternity for good measure. And you, in the white four-door Volvo, you know who you are!

So Much To Know, So Little Time

Before one becomes omnipotent, a life precedes. Mine was in a small town in West Virginia. By the numbers, it looks so much different. Here's to you Jacksonburg.

You're Now Free Sweet Angel

When I become omnipotent, bad things will not happen to good people. Living with Alzheimers for 15 years is surely hell on earth. Something Priscilla did not deserve.

King of "Duh", Jon Stewart

When I become omnipotent, Jon Stewart will be crowned King of "Duh". He shall rule over all news media. The following comes from CNN (ironically enough):

As Comedy Central's "Daily Show" descends on Denver for four days of coverage, Jon Stewart took after the "established" media for getting too cozy with candidates and regurgitating campaign spin when it comes to political coverage.

In a breakfast with reporters, Stewart directed most of his ire at the 24-hour cable news networks, which he called "gerbil wheels," and said the media at-large had "abdicated" to what he called the "slow-witted beast."

He said the never-ending television news cycle creates a "false sense of urgency" and forces reporters to "follow the veins that have been mined," instead of pursuing serious and in-depth reporting.

Bill Maher has a New Rule

As far as I'm concerned Cherry Chocolate Diet Dr. Pepper still doesn't have enough sh*t going on. I need Caffeine-Free Cherry Chocolate Diet Dr. Pepper. No, no, no. I need Cool Ranch Extreme Caffeine-Free Cherry Chocolate Diet Dr. Pepper. And baked. And I want a sticker on it telling kids that drugs are bad.

Real Headlines

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

It Ain't Easy Being Green

And really, aren't we just a little tired of all things "green"? Drive a green car! Saving electric is green! Shower with a friend saves water thus it's a green thing! Green this, green that. Just how much green can one person take?

I promise that When I Become Omnipotent I will simply snap my fingers and everything will be green. But for now, there's a simple way for you to take control of the number of catalogs you receive. Fewer catalogs, fewer dead trees. Click here to learn more from Catalog Choice.

In Memory of George Carlin

I love words. I thank you for hearing my words.
I want to tell you something about words that I think is important.
They're my work, they're my play, they're my passion.
Words are all we have, really. We have thoughts but thoughts are fluid.
Then we assign a word to a thought and we're stuck with that word for
that thought, so be careful with words. I like to think that the same
words that hurt can heal, it is a matter of how you pick them.
There are some people that are not into all the words.
There are some that would have you not use certain words.
There are 400,000 words in the English language and there are 7
of them you can't say on television. What a ratio that is.
399,993 to 7. They must really be bad. They'd have to be outrageous
to be seperated from a group that large. All of you over here, you 7,
Bad Words. That's what they told us they were, remember?
"That's a bad word!" No bad words, bad thoughts, bad intentions,
and words. You know the 7, don't you, that you can't say on television?
"Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, CockSucker, MotherFucker, and Tits"
Those are the heavy seven. Those are the ones that'll infect your soul,
curve your spine, and keep the country from winning the war.
"Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, CockSucker, MotherFucker, and Tits"
Wow! ...and Tits doesn't even belong on the list. That is such a friendly
sounding word. It sounds like a nickname, right? "Hey, Tits, come here,
man. Hey Tits, meet Toots. Toots, Tits. Tits, Toots." It sounds like a
snack, doesn't it? Yes, I know, it is a snack. I don't mean your sexist
snack. I mean New Nabisco Tits!, and new Cheese Tits, Corn Tits,
Pizza Tits, Sesame Tits, Onion Tits, Tater Tits. "Betcha Can't Eat Just
One." That's true. I usually switch off. But I mean, that word does
not belong on the list. Actually none of the words belong on the list,
but you can understand why some of them are there. I'm not
completely insensetive to people's feelings. I can understand why
some of those words got on the list, like CockSucker and
MotherFucker. Those are heavyweight words. There is a lot going on
there. Besides the literal translation and the emotional feeling.
I mean, they're just busy words. There's a lot of syllables to contend
with. And those Ks, those are agressive sounds. They just jump out at
you like "coCKsuCKer, motherfuCKer. coCKsuCKer, motherfuCKer."
It's like an assualt on you. We mentioned Shit earlier, and 2 of the
other 4-letter Anglo-Saxon words are Piss and Cunt, which go
together of course. A little accedental humor there. The reason that
Piss and Cunt are on the list is because a long time ago, there were
certain ladies that said "Those are the 2 I am not going to say. I
don't mind Fuck and Shit but 'P' and 'C' are out.", which led to such
stupid sentences as "Okay you fuckers, I'm going to tinckle now."
And, of course, the word Fuck. I don't really, well that's more
accedental humor, I don't wanna get into that now because I think
it takes too long. But I do mean that. I think the word Fuck is a very
important word. It is the beginning of life, yet it is a word we use to
hurt one another quite often. People much wiser than I am said,
"I'd rather have my son watch a  film with 2 people making love
than 2 people trying to kill one another. I, of course, can agree. It is
a great sentence. I wish I knew who said it first. I agree with that but
I like to take it a step further. I'd like to substitute the word Fuck for
the word Kill in all of those movie cliches we grew up with. "Okay,
Sherrif, we're gonna Fuck you now, but we're gonna Fuck you slow."
So maybe next year I'll have a whole fuckin' ramp on the N word.
I hope so. Those are the 7 you can never say on television, under any
circumstanses. You just cannot say them ever ever ever. Not even
clinically. You cannot weave them in on the panel with Doc, and Ed,
and Johnny. I mean, it is just impossible. Forget those 7. They're out.
But there are some 2-way words, those double-meaning words.
Remember the ones you giggled at in sixth grade? "...And the cock
CROWED 3 times" "Hey, tha cock CROWED 3 times. ha ha ha ha. Hey, it's in
the bible. ha ha ha ha. There are some 2-way words, like it is okay for
Kirk Youdi to say "Roberto Clametti has 2 balls on him.", but he can't
say "I think he hurt his balls on that play, Tony. Don't you? He's holding
them. He must've hurt them, by God." and the other 2-way word that
goes with that one is Prik. It's okay if it happens to your finger. You
can prik your finger but don't finger your prik. No, no.

Divine Comedy

Those who should know assembled the 50 funniest jokes. Sadly several are missing and some should go missing. Nevertheless, take a moment and check it out by clicking here.

Word Of The Day

TRAMPOLINE : Keeps your escort service running smoothly

Quote Of The Day

Said Dorothy Parker : "That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment."

I'm so looking forward to the end of this election season

Until I become omnipotent, I will approve the choice of Mr. Biden for Vice President. However, Hillary would have been a much more fun choice.

Laugh or Cry?

When I become omnipotent beneficent voices will never be silenced. And cartoonists will be my divine messengers.

More flowers, less asphalt

My favorite orchid. When I become omnipotent, there will be more flowers.

WIBO - Music

When I become omnipotent every morning at 10:00 AM local time, every radio station must play "American Pie". And not the sneaky short version either. The original, full-length version only. People may take this time to quietly reflect.

I will also ponder whether "Inna Godda Di Vidda" would be appropriate for the 6:00 AM hour.