Yesterday I Had A Flat Tire On The Freeway

So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe!

They are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.

I started to change my tire, and to my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my lifelike men. And of course, traffic
started backing up.

Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.

He got out of his car and started walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

"What's going on here?"

"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.

"Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him,

"Hello-o-o-o-o-o, those are my emergency flashers!"

2gether 4ever In Deep Space

(From the Huffington Post): The creator of "Star Trek" and his wife will spend eternity together in space. Celestis Inc., a company that specializes in "memorial spaceflights," said Monday that it will ship the remains of Gene Roddenberry and Majel Barrett Roddenberry into space next year.

The couple's cremated remains will be sealed into specially made capsules designed to withstand the rigors of space travel. A rocket-launched spacecraft will carry the capsules, along with digitized tributes from fans. The Roddenberrys' remains _ and the spacecraft _ will travel ever deeper into space and will not return to earth, company spokeswoman Susan Schonfeld said.

After Gene Roddenberry died in 1991, his wife commissioned Celestis to launch a part of his remains into space in 1997. She died Dec. 18, 2008.

Sunday Funny

A husband and wife were shopping in their local WalMart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replied.

"Put it back; we can't afford it," demands the wife.

And so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in their basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replied the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price."

Heard over the PA system: "Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down."

7 Great Wonders Of The World

(Click the picture to see them all)

Quote Of The Day

Perceived smart people are never wrong, just innocent victims of circumstance. -- Danae (Non Sequitur)

When I Become Omnipotent, This Will Not Be Allowed

George W.

Now that the nightmare of George W. Bush is over, I'd like to quote Martin Luther King, Jr:

Free at last,
Free at last,
Thank God Almighty,
I'm free at last.

Proof That God Loves Us

Click image for more info

What Does The "H" In Jesus H. Christ Stand For?

Columnist Cecil Adams suggested : The H stands for Harold, as in, "Our Father, who art in heaven, Harold be thy name"

He's Almost Gone, Let's Take One Last Look....

More "Bushisms":

_ "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." _ Aug. 5, 2004, at the signing ceremony for a defense spending bill.

_ "Too many good docs are getting out of business. Too many OB/GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." _ Sept. 6, 2004, at a rally in Poplar Bluff, Mo.

_ "Our most abundant energy source is coal. We have enough coal to last for 250 years, yet coal also prevents an environmental challenge." _ April 20, 2005, in Washington.

_ "We look forward to hearing your vision, so we can more better do our job." _ Sept. 20, 2005, in Gulfport, Miss.

_ "I can't wait to join you in the joy of welcoming neighbors back into neighborhoods, and small businesses up and running, and cutting those ribbons that somebody is creating new jobs." _ Sept. 5, 2005, when Bush met with residents of Poplarville, Miss., in the wake of Hurricane Katrina.

_ "It was not always a given that the United States and America would have a close relationship. After all, 60 years we were at war 60 years ago we were at war." _ June 29, 2006, at the White House, where Bush met with Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi.

_ "Make no mistake about it, I understand how tough it is, sir. I talk to families who die." _ Dec. 7, 2006, in a joint appearance with British Prime Minister Tony Blair.

_ "These are big achievements for this country, and the people of Bulgaria ought to be proud of the achievements that they have achieved." _ June 11, 2007, in Sofia, Bulgaria.

_ "Mr. Prime Minister, thank you for your introduction. Thank you for being such a fine host for the OPEC summit." _ September 2007, in Sydney, Australia, where Bush was attending an APEC summit.

_ "Thank you, Your Holiness. Awesome speech." April 16, 2008, at a ceremony welcoming Pope Benedict XVI to the White House.

_ "The fact that they purchased the machine meant somebody had to make the machine. And when somebody makes a machine, it means there's jobs at the machine-making place." _ May 27, 2008, in Mesa, Ariz.

_ "And they have no disregard for human life." _ July 15, 2008, at the White House. Bush was referring to enemy fighters in Afghanistan.

_ "I remember meeting a mother of a child who was abducted by the North Koreans right here in the Oval Office." _ June 26, 2008, during a Rose Garden news briefing.

_ "Throughout our history, the words of the Declaration have inspired immigrants from around the world to set sail to our shores. These immigrants have helped transform 13 small colonies into a great and growing nation of more than 300 people." _ July 4, 2008 in Virginia.

_ "The people in Louisiana must know that all across our country there's a lot of prayer _ prayer for those whose lives have been turned upside down. And I'm one of them. It's good to come down here." _ Sept. 3, 2008, at an emergency operations center in Baton Rouge, La., after Hurricane Gustav hit the Gulf Coast.

_ "This thaw _ took a while to thaw, it's going to take a while to unthaw." Oct. 20, 2008, in Alexandria, La., as he discussed the economy and frozen credit markets.

A Funny For Friday

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

'May I help you sir?' she asked.

'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.

'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.

'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'

The man replied, 'New Brunswick.'

'Really', she said. 'I have family in 'New Brunswick.'

'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

A Funny

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?', they asked.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project' said Tommy.

The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.'

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.

The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'

The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her silly...

No Clue What They Are Saying But It's Fun

1. GO TO THE FOLLOWING SITE:

http://www.tatuagemdaboa.com.br/

2. TYPE YOUR FIRST NAME ON THE 1st LINE

3. TYPE YOUR BEST FRIEND'S NAME ON THE 2nd LINE

4. (Skip your e-mail address.)

5. Click on 'Vizualizar'

When I Become Omnipotent....

The prizes in the Cracker Jack box will include keys to a new Corvette.

Classifieds

WANTED : Someone who can speak & write Australian

Best Defense

Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'

The girl said, 'NO!'

And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

THE END

Poor George W

Rumor has it that come January 20th they will change his name and put him in the Witless Protection Program.

More People Moved Out Of California Last Year Than Any Other State

Don't let the door hit your butt on the way out. Click here for the full story.

Quote Of The Day

The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.
---Ann Landers

Things You Will Never Hear At A Nascar Race

13."None for me, thanks. That Skoal will do a number on your teeth."

12."Tampax! Get cha Tampax here!"

11."Hey, shut up! I can't hear the race."

10."Sex with your sister!? Man, that's sick."

9."My GOD, this is a splendid Merlot!"

8."Hey, you with the large breasts -- out of the way! We're trying to watch a race here!"

7."Chesterton, be a good lad and retrieve the Wall Street Journal from my attaché case, then fetch me some clotted cream for my scone."

6."What a coincidence, Hank -- all my friends are boycotting Hooters, too!"

5."These are even better seats than we had for the Lionel Richie concert!"

4."Good morning, Mr. Trickle. We at 'Depends' understand you're looking for a new corporate sponsor..."

3."Whew! No more beer for me, fellas..."

2."Filling in for Jeff 'Wonder Boy' Gordon today is substitute driver, Michael 'Lord of the Dance' Flatley."

and the Number 1 Thing That WON'T Be Overheard At A Nascar Race...

1."...and now, for the singing of our national anthem, please welcome international recording artist Boy George!"

Quote Of The Day

Blame someone else and get on with your life.
-- Alan Woods

Paging Governor Palin, Your Order Is Ready

When I Become Omnipotent All Freshmen In High School Will Learn This Song

There's a lady who's sure all that glitter is gold.
And she's buying a stairway to heaven.
And when she gets there she knows if the store are closed.
With a word she can get what she came for.

There's a sign on the wall but she wants to be sure.
Cause she know sometimes words have two meanings.
In a tree by the brook there's a song bird who sings sometimes.
All of our thoughts are misgiven.

There's a feeling I get when I look to the west.
And my spirit is crying for leaving.
In my thoughts I have seen rings of smoke through the trees,
And the voices of those who stand looking.


And it's whispered that soon if we all call the tune.
Then the piper will lead us to reason.
And a new day will dawn for those who stand long.
And the forests will echo with laughter.

And it makes me wonder.

If there's a bustle in your hedgerow don't be alarmed now.
It's just a spring clean for the May-Queen.
Yes there are two paths you can go by.
But in the long run.
There's still time to change the road you're on.

Your head is humming and it won't go - in case you don't know.
The pipers calling you to join him.
Dear lady can you hear the wind blow.
And did you know
your stairway lies on the whispering wind.

And as we wind on down the road.
Our shadows taller than our soul.
There walks a lady we all know.
Who shines white light and wants to show.
How everything still turns to gold.
And if you listen very hard
the tune will come to you at last.
When all are one and one is all.
To be a rock and not to roll.

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you'll be afraid to cough.

You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it sho uldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Times Are Tough Everywhere

Quote

Indeed, Miss Manners has come to believe that the basic political division in this country is not between liberals and conservatives but between those who believe that they should have a say in the love lives of strangers and those who do not. --- Judith Martin (Miss Manners)

Party Pooped

Police Log

A woman in Oak Trail Shores reported a snake in her house. Everyone is out of the house except for her husband and he is on the toilet.

A Reflection On New Years Eve

On New Year's Eve, a young lady stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready for the new year. "At the stroke of midnight" she said, "I want EVERY husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living."

Well, it was kind of embarrassing.

As the clock struck - the bartender was almost crushed to death.

The Top Nontroversies of 2008

To read the story, click on the picture.

04/29/2009 - Mark Your Calendar

That is expected to be the date when the one millionth English word will be created. Learn more by clicking here.

Bushisms (Or "Will We Really Miss Him When He's Gone?")

"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." _ September 2000, explaining his energy policies at an event in Michigan.

"Rarely is the question asked, is our children learning?" _ January 2000, during a campaign event in South Carolina.

"They misunderestimated the compassion of our country. I think they misunderestimated the will and determination of the commander in chief, too." _ Sept. 26, 2001, in Langley, Va. Bush was referring to the terrorists who carried out the Sept. 11 attacks.

"There's no doubt in my mind, not one doubt in my mind, that we will fail." _ Oct. 4, 2001, in Washington. Bush was remarking on a back-to-work plan after the terrorist attacks.

"It would be a mistake for the United States Senate to allow any kind of human cloning to come out of that chamber." _ April 10, 2002, at the White House, as Bush urged Senate passage of a broad ban on cloning.

"I want to thank the dozens of welfare-to-work stories, the actual examples of people who made the firm and solemn commitment to work hard to embetter themselves." _ April 18, 2002, at the White House.

"There's an old saying in Tennessee _ I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee _ that says, fool me once, shame on _ shame on you. Fool me _ you can't get fooled again." _ Sept. 17, 2002, in Nashville, Tenn.

Headline

Porn case has holes lawyer says

Really?? I Give You Unconditional Love And All I Get Is Day-Old Bread??