Things You Will Never Hear At A Nascar Race

13."None for me, thanks. That Skoal will do a number on your teeth."

12."Tampax! Get cha Tampax here!"

11."Hey, shut up! I can't hear the race."

10."Sex with your sister!? Man, that's sick."

9."My GOD, this is a splendid Merlot!"

8."Hey, you with the large breasts -- out of the way! We're trying to watch a race here!"

7."Chesterton, be a good lad and retrieve the Wall Street Journal from my attaché case, then fetch me some clotted cream for my scone."

6."What a coincidence, Hank -- all my friends are boycotting Hooters, too!"

5."These are even better seats than we had for the Lionel Richie concert!"

4."Good morning, Mr. Trickle. We at 'Depends' understand you're looking for a new corporate sponsor..."

3."Whew! No more beer for me, fellas..."

2."Filling in for Jeff 'Wonder Boy' Gordon today is substitute driver, Michael 'Lord of the Dance' Flatley."

and the Number 1 Thing That WON'T Be Overheard At A Nascar Race...

1."...and now, for the singing of our national anthem, please welcome international recording artist Boy George!"